Lately I’ve been feeling like one of the items in that Sesame Street song “One of these things (is not like the others)”. The one that does’t belong. I don’t feel like I quite fit anywhere these days. I don’t feel I fit in my (new) department at work. I don’t feel I fit in this city. I don’t even feel like I fit in my own apartment (the repairs are still not completed…with no plan or end in sight). I’m not even sure I fit in my own skin these days. I just feel out of sync with everything. It’s very disconcerting and frustrating.
What’s even more frustrating, I can’t figure out how to bring things in sync or even put my finger on why I don’t feel I fit in some cases. I can’t tell you what it is about Philly that feels not quite right to me. And I’m trying to reconcile what I want in my life with the reality of what my life is right now. They aren’t in agreement, so I have to figure out how to make them blend. Or figure out if they don’t blend, how to adjust my wants with the current reality so they aren’t so in conflict. I need to figure out how to bring myself back in sync.
I have a lot of decisions to make lately. About friendships and relationships. My job. My physical location. Reevaluating what I’ve thought I wanted in my life for a long time and determining if I still want those things of if they’ve changed. And if I do still want them, making some decisions about how to achieve them and incorporate them into my current reality.
The one thing I am sure about is the career I’ve chosen. I just returned from the ALA Midwinter Meeting (in Denver, CO this year) and it did reinvigorate my love for my career. In talking with colleagues and attending meetings and sessions, it confirmed that I do fit with the area of librarianship I’ve chosen. I needed that little piece of reassurance in the midst of feeling so unsure about everything else.
For now, I’m going to make myself a cup of black tea (British style, with a splash of raw milk in it from the farmers’ market), and think. I’m not ready to make any decisions about anything; I suppose recognizing that is a step forward in itself. I’m going to continue to try and live my life deliberately and with mindfulness and think and trust and be patient that eventually I’ll be back in sync.